Finally.

I’m able to visit Dockweiler. It’s funny, it’s the first time I’ve been here in a year and I feel at peace. Why am I here at this hour? Besides the odd combination of not wanting to go home after a long day today (shockingly enough not due to work) and over thinking? Eh, I guess I just wanted to be here.

edrk6

edrk6:

I seriously suck at text posts but I’m going to go ahead and try here. The main reason why I claim to suck so much at text posts is that I literally have no clue where to start writing my thoughts and they usually never end up structured. But fuck it. 

Balance. I’ve been fascinated by the idea of the perfect “balance.” Work, life and school kind of balance. I’ve come to realize the hard way that there will never be a balance, it’s just chaos. I’ve accepted it. There’s only so much you can do before you let things fall through the cracks. The only thing that helps is how you manage to make it out alive (seems like a big ol’ drama statement, but depending on what you lose and the experiences, I assure you it’s a big deal). The key thing here is basically find something to fight for, no matter what that is, and hold on tight so that you make it through. 

Yin and Yang. Light in the darkness. Darkness in the light. I’ve been struggling to figure out, at least to me, where I stand. “Do I play with demons waiting for someone to save me?,” Or “Did I conquer my demons so that I can save someone from their own?” Am I the light in the dark or the dark in the light? There were a lot of factors in my life that lead me to believe that I was the light in the darkness, but that’s not true. I firmly believe that as of recently, I am the darkness in the light. I’m just hoping my better half is the light in the darkness (not that I need saving or that she needs saving). Light and darkness are subjective; to me darkness means inner demons, internal struggles to cope with who you are and what you’ve become while light means someone that has no fear, has confidence and moves through life without letting their daily struggles weigh them down. Everyone has one more than the other, hence the yin and yang comparison. Sounds rather depressing doesn’t it? 

Love and Relationships. Despite everything that has happened up until now, I haven’t become a cynic. Granted, there are those that become emotionally scarred and takes them time to even reconsider placing themselves out there. Let’s face it, that shit is scary. Relationships always go one of two ways, you either get married or you break-up. The consequences or benefits to both options go on (I hope I don’t have to spell it out for you). I mean yes, break-ups suck but they serve to help redefine, or in some cases, rediscover who you are. I don’t hold any ill will towards anyone in this subject, but there are those that left a significant enough scar that I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to fully accept them into my life (Yes, I know what you’re thinking “if you love someone….blah blah blah); see the thing is that it’s never that simple. You are a different person from your potential lady/guy (if that’s your thing), you don’t think the same, share the same values, etc. Your definition of love might be entirely different, and that’s okay! It’s all about self-respect and never taking yourself (just as much as your potential partner) for granted. This whole ordeal has opened my eyes to many great deals. After everything that’s happened, I realized that people are literally either a lesson to show you what’s not right for you, or a blessing in disguise. I’ve only received lessons so far, which is never bad. I always did enjoy learning.

Work. Due to some confidentiality agreement I signed I can’t really discuss certain aspects of what I do for a living but I’ll try my best here. Work is amazing. There are those that bitch and moan about their job like they HAVE to work there. Granted I understand, the struggle to find a decent job is real but that shouldn’t deter you from creating a better situation for yourself. If a certain job requires a distinct type of education, obtain it! As for me, ever since my whole relationship ordeal and my vacation, work has been really a pleasant experience. Nothing seems to phase me anymore, the customers don’t get under my skin, my coworkers calling out neither. I’m up for a promotion soon, hopefully the three weeks away from Los Angeles will be a good thing. 

Friends. This used to be a very big subject, or more accurately, a huge ordeal for me. You lose some, you gain new ones. Sometimes you lose those that meant the world to you, either through stupid fallouts or because you two decided to try dating and ended disastrously. Whatever the case, this is going to happen, so just enjoy each others company and hope for the best. That doesn’t change the fact that I miss some of them, but missing isn’t going to bring them back. You can’t just keep going around trying to make everyone happy, you have no one to please but yourself. Besides that whole statement, I can honestly say, I have friends that I can never replace and I am glad that they chose me to be someone they associate with.

My Future. This subject used to scare the living shit out of me. I mean I am a 24 year old who hasn’t finished school, not high school mind you. I haven’t moved out from home, which in California isn’t a big deal due to higher costs of living. I’ve come to realize that this is okay, as long as I’m doing or going to do something about it. I have an amazing job with a great career path laid out for me once I graduate school. I’m excited about finishing school all before my 26th birthday. I haven’t thought too much about my future after that. I’d rather leave up to my stupid, random luck because as it turns out I get extremely lucky in this weird crazy life which leads me to believe that I have some weird amazing good karma. I’d rather live in the moment than panic about the future. 

In General. One of my closest friends is getting married next year, which marks the end of an era. Holy shit. Everyone I know is either getting married, pregnant or just something familial related. I’m not envious of any sort. Don’t get me wrong, it’s my dream to have the whole wife and kids thing, but I’m just not ready for it. Emotionally, I’m not numb or angry or anything negative. For once I’m pretty much okay. I have great company and experiences that make up for anything negative in my life. I have been listening to many great artists both old and new. I’m just ready for what life has to offer, I’ll tackle whatever comes my way with my head held high.

Wow. I guess I did have a lot to say. Ha. To those that actually read these things, thanks I guess.